This post comes is a necessity to breathe again and not as a simple blog post to explain an adventure of motherhood as most have been. I had a check up with my midwife this morning. I also had a bit of a rage spell this morning. I’ve had either a period of sadness or intense anger ever since T was born. There’s always been a reason though. I always rationalized that she had been in NICU, she had just come home, my hormones were still out of whack. However I’m beginning to see that I can’t go on like this. In talking with my midwife this morning I realized that I’m actually drowning in self lothing, rage, and confusion. Not only am I floundering to keep my head above water, but I’m trying to keep face in front of Alix as well. We’re both exhausted (as all new parents are). I’m finding that I’m tired of life some days though. I may not have any active plans of taking my life, but I play with the idea that I could disappear and things would get better. This of course is very selfish and I don’t intend to do anything of the sort. I feel that it’s important for me to acknoledge these thoughts though.
So I unloaded.
I expressed that I had extreme anxiety over losing Alix and T. I’ve been so desperate to explain it all away and rationalize that it will pass. That was foolish. Alix warned me that I should go on anti depressants right after T was born. I didn’t think I needed them because what I was feeling being an NICU mom was completely normal. Now I’m kicking myself and thinking ‘add it to the list of fuck ups Rebecca has made’. I’m not a nice person to myself. I know self hatred serves no purpose and to combat it I tell myself to be nicer. It has no effect though. I have to force myself to eat throughout the day. I don’t taste anything and nothing really sounds good to eat. I know that I’m in trouble. I’m going to take an active approach now to my recovery. I’ve never had major depression before and I empathize with anyone who also has major depression. I’ve never felt as useless of an individual as I do right at this moment. I want to ask Alix for help (and I have). He does what he can and looks after me. I can see in his face though that it’s exhausting. He’s trying to live his own life, and making sure I eat on a daily basis should not be part of his agenda. I hold a lot of guilt for making Alix’s life so hellish. He’s never said anything to me, but in a similar position I was not as understanding. Alix is a much better person then I am. I would have left my ass to figure it out on my own. No one can figure it out but me though. I can’t simply checkout of my head and come back when things are all better.
I’m going to take my medication, go to counseling, and attempt to be a kind person to myself.
I hate seeing the look on Alix’s face when I’m breaking down and he looks rundown almost as if saying ‘Here we go again’. (Again he’s never said that to me…that’s just my opinion).
I’m exhausted. I think I’ll lie down for a bit.