*This is a post I wrote, but never published* I’m happy to share it now and have it to look back on. *
I think that I am.
I know that I’m ready to not be pregnant anymore. The only way that’s happening is with the birth of my daughter. Throughout this whole pregnancy that’s been something really hard for me to imagine. I know that as the pregnancy wraps up she’s getting bigger, I feel her move all the time, but I’m having a hard time picturing a newborn baby. I can picture her as a toddler, tween, and teenager. I feel grossly unprepared for a newborn though. I really think it’s about time that I actually admit that to myself if no one else. I’m not really worried about being a good mother or that I won’t be able to care for her. I’m worried about other things like picking out the right carseat, having her room set up, and holding her head up.
This past weekend there were two baby showers for Tegan. One was hosted by my mother in Indiana and the other was put together by my husband here in ABQ. I attended my mom’s via Skype. It was really nice to see members of my family again even if it was just through web cam. It also made me miss them terribly and wish that they could be here to give me a hug and tell me everything would be alright and that I can do this. I have my husband and the support of his mother and step dad (which I’m very grateful to have), but I can’t help missing my family. Damn my raging hormones are making me tear up as I’m typing this out. I almost feel like I need to cuddle a puppy (Jasper isn’t much for cuddling).
–So Alix sensing my discomfort in writing this post went out with me to buy a carseat—
This was a very sweet gesture. Some say there may be no need to buy one so early after all there’s still a little over 5 weeks to go. Maybe its because this is my first child, but 5 weeks seems super close to me. The feeling of not having enough ready is a bit overwhelming. After all….Tegan won’t know that her room isn’t painted a certain color, the crib not being set up, or clothes hung up. Maybe I’m nesting as they call it. If that’s the case I feel like a crazy person and wish I could chill the fuck out.
In the end I suppose I’m stuck as far how I’m feeling. I’m very ready to not be pregnant anymore (some days I enjoy the feeling more then others). On the other hand