Today has been a rough day. It’s a recovery day. Last night I couldn’t have been more of a jackass to my husband, and after I made things extremely awkward with him…I started in on myself. I’ll have you know I haven’t stopped fully. Last night and early this morning I had so much self hatred running through me I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I love my husband and my daughter more then anything. I feel so awful because what I meant to say turned into a jumbled mess of blame and misunderstandings. I don’t know how much more I can apologize. Alix says it’s okay, but it doesn’t feel okay to me. He’s a much better person then I am. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I feel a tad bit insane. My head is swimming with doom and gloom. I feel as if I really screwed up yesterday and I’ll be lucky if Alix will touch me with a 10 ft. pole in fear I’ll lash out at him for flirting with me. I don’t hate myself per say. I’m extremely embarrassed and feel foolish for not having control over my emotions. I feel like my eyes have been full of tears since last night. I’ve been told I need support though this period of time. I’m just not sure where to look. None of my friends have really been in this situation. Even if they had the most they could say would be…it will be okay…or that sucks. I don’t really want to talk though. I just want to be held close and reminded that I’m loved. No more and no less. Every time I’m emotional and open my mouth I make everything so much worse because I drag others down with me.
So today I’m recovering. I’m forgiving myself and working to build myself back up. I’ve been crying on and off today….mostly when I’m around Alix. It’s nothing he did. I just said things that I didn’t mean and feel like I’ve done a lot of damage to our love life. Things can always be repaired though…that’s what I’m telling myself. Alix still loves me. He didn’t refuse my kiss today so there’s that. I’m adjusting to motherhood. I’m adjusting to the fact that my body is still healing even though it’s been four weeks. I’m adjusting to the fact that my emotional state is still on a roller coaster. I try and hide my insecurities and worries. I shouldn’t. I just end up fucking things up whenever that happens. I’m actually excited about being a SAHM. Trying to wrap my head around what that means for me. Last night I painted a picture of gloom and doom as if I would hate my life. That’s not what I want….that’s not what I think…..but that’s what I said. Alix listened to me basically shit all over our home life in silence. After I was done talking I started crying. It was awful. I couldn’t believe what I had said. I’m still kicking myself today. Life is just a little overwhelming and I have no time line for when this emotional and physical healing will be done. Between you and me I want my sex drive back. I want to feel attractive again. Those are really damaging things because I have no explanation for why I feel the way I do. Nothing but simply hormones. I’m really tired of that being the excuse. No one tells you about everything after birth. There is no guide to self care after. Taking care of Tegan is easy. Taking care of myself is harder then it’s ever been in my life. People say to give myself time and it will pass. How much time do I need and how fast will it pass?
I miss sleeping next to my husband. I miss reciprocating his flirting and advances. How long will that take to get back? Last night I mentioned feeling like a robot to my husband…which was a mistake in the context I used it….but correct in the way that some days I go through the motions and it’s a little terrifying. I needed to write all of this out so that I can move on and work towards a brighter today and tomorrow. I know all of this will pass. I just need to take it day by day. I really wish I didn’t have to have a massive breakdown to realize all of this. I almost wanted to have myself committed to the psych ward last night. Things are going to be a okay. I have the most supportive husband on the planet and I’m not going to let myself be put down by this.
I should end this post…my head is throbbing. I’m spent. I feel better with all of that out of my system. I know I’m a good person. I love my family very much and just want to be the best person I can be. I’ll just take it in steps.